it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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