She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
