Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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