I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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