her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
