im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
