My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
