i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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