while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
