Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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