On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
