I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
