Quick, to the slutcave!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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