we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Green mimosas i think yes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
