All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
