Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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