the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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