I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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