shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
