Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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