that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
