i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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