Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
