i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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