About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
