my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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