I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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