The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
