I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
