you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
