you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
