god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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