I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize