when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
