Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We got so high we made milksteak
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
