Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
