ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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