batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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