Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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