Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
