Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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