Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
