Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
