I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
