It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
