I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
