i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You took a bar mat shot.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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