So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
