I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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