I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
