don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
