You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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