Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
not ubering you a puppy
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
