Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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