you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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