yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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