When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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